


Love Through it All

by nefertiti1052



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Established Relationship, M/M, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 19:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15347409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nefertiti1052/pseuds/nefertiti1052
Summary: Phil knew he shouldn't have taken a rash decision in the heat of the moment, now he had to deal with the consequences of his actions.





	Love Through it All

**Author's Note:**

> A/n: Written when I was feeling sad and dramatic. It was inspired on Songs I had already picked up for the story and each song is listed in the corresponding part. The first 3 are by Roxette and the last one by Erasure. You can listen to them while you read if you wish. [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/21ooynghp74wvxblrk4jrcpki/playlist/5gPNkgfuVB1k24EtwN5eGS?si=HkXdihUAQ2KFDly_zCzamA/)

**Part 1: listen to your heart.**

Phil knew he shouldn't have taken a rash decision in the heat of the moment. It actually _wasn't_ a conscious decision at all.

 

Pressure had been building on them for the past 6 months at least, but they always worked on it. Being business partners was tough but they always pulled through. Their relationship was worth it.

 

But after so many years, the organization of the second tour had been the final nail in the coffin. They were just too tired, too stressed, too angry. They had a few big arguments that they were able to resolve, however, this time Phil had spoken at the worse possible moment, condemning their almost 9 year relationship.

 

"I think we should take some time off," he said, avoiding Dan's eyes.

"Oh my god Phil, we are in the middle of rehearsal week, we can't just take time off. Everything is crammed in our schedule to the second until the tour starts!" Dan said unconsciously grabbing his hair and pulling it.

 

"No, I mean from us, Dan. This is just not _worth it_ anymore," Dan took a step back, putting his hand on his chest like he had just been shot.

 

Phil sighed and continued, "I'm too tired to keep constantly fighting, we have _work_ to do. We put all of our savings on this tour Dan, we could lose everything we've worked for if we don't do it right," he was trying to make sense of his feelings; to explain them to Dan even though he knew it didn't completely make sense to him either.

 

"I think we just did Phil. I think we lost everything", he gave his boyfriend? friend? business partner, one last look and retired to the bedroom. He hoped Phil would stay in "his" room, yet he also hoped he didn't, that he came to bed and apologized to him; That he made things right. On the other hand, he didn't know how he could possibly forgive Phil for saying that their relationship was not worth it for him anymore. It was almost as if... as if he didn't _love_ Dan anymore. He chocked a sob and covered himself with the comforter. It didn't help that it smelled like Phil.

 

Hours later, Phil finally went in to pick up his pyjamas. He leaned over Dan, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I just think it's best for us to focus on work now and to figure things out after the tour. I'm going to sleep in my bedroom, for now, see you in the morning".

 

Dan was pretending to be asleep, but his breathing wasn't even and slow; his face was covered in tears that still fell from his eyes. Dan wanted to pretend and Phil would give him that, so he sighed and left.

 

Neither of them got any sleep that night, or the following nights for that matter.

**Part 2: It must have been love / Spending my time**

 

Weeks had passed and it was getting easier to be around each other and return to their friendly banter; they both knew they were trying to delude themselves. Neither of them felt good about the state of things and it showed. Their on-tour makeup artist had to resort to colour correcting and using 2 different concealers with their foundations to hide their dark circles and their sickly skin tone.

 

They were both running on fumes, not sleeping at all. It was difficult enough to sleep apart, but after the fitful nights all they got to look forward was the meet and greets. The friendly outings they had planned with each tour date weren't cancelled; even though they had broken up, they didn't want to discuss it with anyone so they just went ahead with the plans.

 

The separate bedrooms where both a blessing and a curse. Phil could hear Dan night after the night pacing in the next room. He knew the pattern well, Dan wasn't coping at all.

 

Phil felt horrible. He had destroyed the best thing that ever happened to him. A relationship built not only on love but in friendship, companionship and unwavering support.

 

He should have talked to Dan about the stress consuming him, about his feelings. He shouldn't have let out all of that pent-up poison on the person he loved the most. He had hurt them both. Phil didn't know how to live with what he had done, he didn't even know why he had thought that ending their relationship would give them less stress than keep fighting.

 

The worse part of it all was that he could see how hurt Dan was. His heart ached in sympathy for him. He hated to see those warm brown eyes staring at him with a frown whenever he thought Phil wasn't looking; probably wondering if Phil still loved him.

 

In one of their car rides from one city to the next one, he turned his music off for a moment with the intention of talking to Dan. He didn't have anything to say, he just wanted to trick himself into thinking they could still be _them_ for a little while; that everything was ok.

 

He turned to Dan only to find him staring vacantly out the window. He was listening to a playlist titled 90s sad songs. That was both very sad and a bit funny. Sometimes Dan was dramatic like that; Phil loved dramatic Dan, he loved moody Dan, he loved sad Dan, happy Dan, he loved depressed Dan. He loved Dan entirely; and just like that, it wasn't funny anymore because Dan wasn't his.

**Chapter 3: Always.**

 

Phil spent that night thinking about them. It was only fair that if he was going to confront Dan about it he should know what his own feelings were. He knew his boyfriend enough to know that would be the first question out of his mouth:

 

'Do you still love me?'

 

'Yes'

 

'What about us?'

 

And that was the problem; Phil knew he loved Dan but was he ready to continue their relationship at this very moment? They needed to work on their bond; it was still there, but after all these years it needed a new type of commitment. They had taken it for granted, everything was relatively easy for them as a couple that just lived together, existed together, work together. Perhaps, that had been the problem. They had settled for easy instead of keeping the fire going. Sometimes it felt like the warmth of their relationship had been replaced with a brisk companionship.

 

So _that_ was what Phil wanted. He wanted the warmth that had filled their lives not that long ago. He wanted the subtle touches, the cuddles, the sweet good morning kisses, god, even the sex,  he wanted _them_ back. What he knew they could be because it had always been the essence of their relationship. He tried to think of when it had all started to change and it all pointed out to when they first came up with the idea of the tour. They had spent so much time working and planning that they had neglected the most important, each other. They had stopped setting aside time to just be with each other, enjoy each other.

 

****

 

Phil got ready earlier than usual to catch their manager alone. He knew Dan would not be around, probably still in bed. He found her at the breakfast bar already in a call, organizing the last details for the show they had the following day. He patiently waited until she was done, constantly checking the door to see if Dan would join them and ruin his chance of getting her alone.

 

A hand on his shoulder made him jump, "Phil?"

 

"Ah!, yes!" he squeaked

 

"What is going on? everything ok?" she frowned.

 

"I need to ask you a favour," he said sternly.

 

***

 

They had set the afternoon aside to visit a beautiful park. Or Dan had set it because he had realized how much he missed their special time alone and how much they needed it. It was all very ironic in his opinion, riding alone in a car to the park where he had planned a date a few months ago to rekindle the relationship with his now ex. Of course, their team had assumed they's want privacy and had chosen to go in a different car without knowing that Dan would rather jump out of the car than be alone with Phil in an enclosed space.

 

Phil, in the other hand, had been making up the courage to talk to his boyfriend. He thought the lakeside would make a perfect spot for them to work things out. As they were parking, he was marvelled by the sight of the blooming trees, he wanted to share this with Dan.

 

He grabbed Dan's hand and traced his thumb on the back of it softly. The warmth disappeared in an instant and as he looked up he was met with a cold glare. "No!" he heard right before the door of the car was slammed in his face.

 

Dan strode to the lake trying to put distance between them, but when he heard only one set of footprints behind him, he turned.

 

Phil was approaching slowly, their driver was leaving and the other car was nowhere to be seen.

 

"Where are they? I'm really hungry and I want to have lunch," he huffed as he looked at the little road they came from.

 

"They are not coming. I asked them to spend the afternoon elsewhere. We need to talk, we can't keep going like this" Phil pleaded.

 

"What makes you think that you get to decide what _we_ need?" Dan demanded and he pushed his index finger into Phil's chest, "There's no more _we_ ; there's only you and me. You made damn sure of that" his voice level lowering throughout the phrase.

 

He turned around and hugged himself. He was on the verge of tear and he would be damned if he let Phil see him like that.

 

"I know, I know. And I'm sorry" he said as his voice trembled. "Please, Dan hear me out. I need to make this right, I know it was all my fault. We had our problems but _I_ ruined it" he sobbed.

 

Dan turned around immediately, Phil never cried. He was the emotional one, the one who always had his emotions on display. When he saw the pain on Phil's eyes he couldn't hold back anymore. He put his head on his hands and bawled, slowly lowering himself the grass.

 

Phil ran to him and hugged him tightly as they both cried finally letting out all of the emotions they had been holding in.

 

Phil was the first to calm down. He didn't let go, he just started breathing deeply in a soothing pattern. He moved to Dan's back and continue to hold him as he breathed rhythmically. Unconsciously, Dan started breathing with him and his sobs came finally to a stop.

 

He sighed turning to Phil "What do you want Phil? for us, _from_ us?" he said as he settled in front of him.

 

He held Dan's hands, "I've been thinking where everything went wrong. Where _I_ went wrong. I let stress overwhelm me and I took it out on you, on our relationship; but I realized that was not the only problem, the underlying issue was that we were not taking time apart for us, from work, from the tour, from everything. I want us to be _us_ again, I want it to work and I'm willing to do anything for you to forgive me".

 

"I have a question for you even before we can consider th-"

 

"Yes, _of course_ I love you. I've never doubted that, not for one second. I was just being stupid; my love for you was never in question, I was very overwhelmed with stress and instead of working it out I thought focusing on work would help us" he rushed to explain.

 

Dan smiled "Why did you think that would work. That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. When has ever being apart from each other made us feel well?"

 

"Never! I know, I'm stupid! So will you forgive me? I promise I'll never ever let you go again"

 

"Phil, you are never going to stop being stupid and making stupid, stupid mistakes," he said.

 

Phil had been certain that Dan was going to forgive him when he smiled, he couldn't believe his idiocy had cost him the love of his life. His eyes filled with tears and as he covered his mouth with his hand trying to cover his sobs, they fell down his cheeks.

 

Dan tackled him cradling his face in his hands, wiping his tears with his thumbs and smiling. "You idiot! How could I ever leave you? You are stupid, but you are _my_ stupid and if you ever break my heart like that again I'll fucking kill you" he smiled and closed the distance between them leaving a soft trail of kisses all over Phil's lips, cheeks, nose. "Always," he said as he finally gave Phil the warmth he so desperately craved in a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr: [Succubusphan](http://Succubusphan.tumblr.com/)
> 
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> In case you wish to reblog the fic: [Tumblr Link](https://succubusphan.tumblr.com/post/176044379186/love-through-it-all/)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated!!!!


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